Insanity
by Kitsune-242
Summary: Wafflezilla chasing Kenpachi. Gaara going back in time. Rukia screaming like a little girl on fire. ...what? And they're supposed to be saving Naruto? Vulpes Alveus crackfic drabbles, different unrelated-fandom-chapters drabbles later.


Disclaimer: The ONLY reason I'm writing this is because I hate plot bunnies. Whenever they start having sex in one of my other stories to make MORE plot bunnies, or I just can't think of something, I'll write a few of these drabbles so they die of starvation. Yay for dead plot bunnies! But there's always that ONE plot bunny that stays…and then ends up somehow giving birth asexually…stupid plot bunnies…*grumble grumble*

I don't really know what kind of drabbles will pop up. Harry Potter, Naruto, Blue Exorcist, -Man, Bleach, those types of things. But there will also be Danny Phantom, Psych, Eragon(maybe), Maximum Ride, X-Men Evolution, Thundercats, Left 4 Dead, Smallville, Avatar the Last Airbender, Okami, Daniel X, The Crow: Stairway to Heaven, and anything else that I feel like doing.

AND VULPES ALVEUS! X3 Yup. So if you _don't _read Vulpes Alveus…then you may want to skip over any of these drabbles that may involve them. Really, though, you won't have to know anything about Vulpes Alveus to read them, so if you read them and like it, cool.

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><p><strong>Vulpes Alveus presents…<strong>

**A Kitsune-242 production…**

**Death Driving Academy**

"Why aren't we working to go rescue Naruto?" Gaara barked, glaring sand daggers at Ichigo as the boy just shrugged.

"My dad told me to get all my friends together and meet him in Walmart's parking lot…"

"Still, why did _we _have to come?" Toshiro demanded, glaring his own ice daggers at the orange-haired Substitute, the ice daggers and sand daggers colliding to create brilliant fireworks before they could actually injure the target in any way.

"I dunno." Ichigo paused. "I don't even know how my dad _called _you guys." He muttered. "Or got your numbers. Or knew about you."

"Soul Society doesn't even HAVE phones!" Ikkaku declared, throwing his arms in the air. In a puff of white smoke and confetti("GAH!" Ichigo cried in pain as a cannon of confetti shot him in the eye), a cackling Isshin appeared, wearing a bright yellow t-shirt that had the big black letters of 'Instructor' on his shirt.

"Welcome, students!" Isshin cried. "Welcome to the first class! The first class of the Death Driving Academy!" Isshin gestured broadly to a banner that rolled out of thin air, the exact words that he had shouted written in black colored pencil scrawled across the canvas. "In Death Driving Academy, you will learn how to drive safely, behind the wheel of a car of your choice!" Rukia turned her back on the man as he babbled so she could disguise her moving lips from the man.

"Um…what the hell?" She whispered to Ichigo. He bent down slightly.

"I have no idea…"

"_Death _Driving Academy? What's that about?" She continued.

"Either my dad's actually a brilliant man who discovered the truth about us…or we're all going to die." The duo looked to the man as he tripped of thin air…while he was in mid-jump. "…we're gonna die…" Gaara frowned.

"What's a car?"

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><p><strong>ICHIGO<strong>

The scowling teen sighed, leaning back in his car seat in the black Chevy Avalanche, one arm on the arm rest with his hand propping up his head, with his other hand on the top of the wheel, guiding the large truck down the road with ease. "How are you so good at this?" Rukia demanded, a frown on her face.

"Because I'm not an _idiot."_ Said Ichigo. "And I'm a living teenager who is of legal age to learn to drive."

"You've stolen cars before, haven't you." Ichigo frowned. No more was said as a strange wailing sound filled the cabin of the truck.

"-OU FORGOT YOUR TURNING SIGNAL!" Cried Isshin as he smashed, feet-first through the windshield of the truck – which was a rental – his feet colliding with Ichigo's throat. Rukia gripped the arm rests of the truck so hard her fingers snapped in half, screaming like a little girl set on fire as the car swerved all over the road, running down stop signs and old ladies being led by boy scouts alike.

Isshin flailed, his body from his knees up on the outside of the truck, while his toes moved at completely impossible angles, clawing at Ichigo's throat and face. "YOU NEED TO USE YOUR BLOODY TURN SIGNAL!"

"DAD, I CAN'T SEE! GET THE HELL OUT OF MY WAY BEFORE WE CRA-!" Ichigo began to shout, before the truck gave a horrible jerk, the front bumped running into a parked car that had appeared in front of him. The force of the stop sent Isshin flying, the entire windshield – which was stuck around his knees – flying with him as he grinned and flashed a thumbs up.

"GREAT PARKING, ICHIGOOOOooooo…!" Ichigo gasped as his panic began to die down, his eyes wide as dinner plates. He looked over the Avalanche; missing windshield, popped tires, smashed front end, a crooked parking brake, a flipped-over back seat, and he was pretty sure two plot bunnies were getting it on in the bed of the truck.

"…let's get outta here before I have to pay for this."

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><p><strong>GAARA<strong>

The red-head just stared at the wheel and the gear shift, a pissed scowl on his face. He needed to go save his 'brother'. Who knew what horrible things were happening to him in Hueco Mundo?(Meanwhile, in Hueco Mundo, Naruto sighed heavily as Riko bounced from wall to wall, having just devoured fifteen pounds of melted chocolate in ten minutes flat. Right now, he absolutely HATED his life. Afterlife. Whatever.)

You know what he needed? A time machine. Because then he could go back in time, and get Naruto out of Karakura Town before he could be kidnapped by those damned Arrancars, or even better, stop the stupid half-demon from leaving Vulpes Forest in the first place! If he had told Cassius that the young kit that he had trained would be kidnapped by the enemy within a few weeks of him leaving Vulpes Forest, then the old Vulpes would _never _have agreed with Naruto's request to leave!

No, a time machine was unrealistic. That would take too much time, and way more duct tape and super glue than he could afford. You know what was more realistic? A dimensional-jumping vehicle. And with that decision, Gaara reached into the glove compartment, pulling out his addition of 'Dimensional Travel Vehicle Building For Dummies'. He paused. He _still _didn't know what a car was. Maybe he'd find out after tricking out this metal wagon whose driver had apparently let the horses run away…

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><p><strong>TOSHIRO<strong>

"This is totally not funny." Toshiro growled, staring at the ice cream truck before him. Rangiku giggled, jumping up and down while clapping.

"STRAWBERRY ICE CREAM!" She cried, racing forward.

"…I'm not doing this." The white-haired captain declared blankly, turning to find another car. Even driving with Kenpachi couldn't be worse than letting Rangiku drive.

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><p><strong>KENPACHI<strong>

"C'mon Kenny, go faster!" Yachiru giggled madly, bouncing on Kenpachi's shoulder as he swerved around a mobster that was firing a gun at him. The mobster, though, apparently had a car of his own, for in the rearview mirror, Kenpachi saw him jump in, and join the parade that was following him. This parade included fifteen girl scouts that had been cheated out of money, three paper boys screaming "I want my TWO DOLLARS!", a the mobster in his car with M-16s sticking out of the headlights, and about two hundred living waffles that rolled after him, evil red eyes glowing, and cavernous black mouths with needle-like teeth snapping.

Random red letters floated in front of the windshield, saying 'WAFFLES, ASSEMBLE!' The waffles gathered together into a writing mass, growing and morphing, sprouting arms and legs and a massive waffle-themed body with the mechanical smashes that was usually associated with a Transformer morphing. And soon, leading the parade behind him, was a monster-sized waffle that snarled and roared in fury, reaching for Kenpachi's car.

It was WAFFLEZILLA!1!one!11!eleven!

"Run Kenny! Evil waffle man wants to steal your supply of flip flops!" Yachiru cried, pointing madly to the passenger seat, where a box filled with flip flops that didn't have a matching partner. Kenpachi swerved around a corner, nearly running over an old woman. Instead of hitting her, the side of his Ferrari skid across her metal walker, scratching up the side.

For a few seconds, the old woman just stared blankly at the injured walker, before her eyes faded to red, and she threw it to the ground. Her muscles bulged, her veins grew in size. Within milliseconds, a giant, Hulk-like monster with red skin and short, curly white hair stood in the place of the old woman, shirt and skirt nearly torn from her body. The old woman bounded after Kenpachi, swinging her un-scathed cane like a bat.

"GRANNY SMASH!" She growled in a gruff voice. Kenpachi rolled his eyes, hitting a button on the dashboard to release the granny-seeking missiles from the back of the car. The missiles apparently tracked _any _granny, though, and instead of hitting the massive one that was following him, changed course and knocked over about fifteen different retirement buildings, taking out many grannys and grand-papies in the process.

And this is exactly why the other Soul Reapers locked Kenpachi and Yachiru in an arcade with a week's supply of quarters.

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><p><strong>RUKIA<strong>

"Ma'am, is this your Avalanche?" Asked a man dressed in black, holding up a picture of a smashed black Chevy truck that was overrun by freakish creatures with seven legs, four rabbit-like ears, lizard tails, massive hind legs, midget forelimbs, and razor-sharp teeth that she was _positive _were glowing in the dark. Rukia just stared with a blank face. She looked back to the cop, her expression conveying that she wanted to get back to trying to learn how to drive; really, learning how to maneuver something as stupid as a car was better than being questioned by the Living World's law enforcement officers.

"Never seen it before in my life."

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><p><strong>HANATARO<strong>

The timid black-haired Soul Reaper hesitantly turned the key in the ignition…and promptly broke the window, dove out, and ran away at his fastest speed as the metallic 'creature' 'growled in annoyance' at him.

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><p><strong>TOSHIRO<strong>

This was _much _more like it. Driving with Momo…_way _better than trying to survive while Rangiku was driving. "TOSHIRO, THE LIGHT IS RED!" Momo screamed bloody murder. Toshiro looked at the flashing lights, his brow furrowing as he frowned. Was now a good time to tell Momo that he was color blind…?

…Nah.

Toshiro went through the mental list of what the lights meant while driving as he and the car neared the red light. Green means go, yellow means red was coming, and red meant…

FLOOR IT.

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><p><strong>IKKAKU<strong>

The bald Soul Reaper bent his body low over the wheel, staring at his opponent for chicken. He would win. He was sure of it. "COME ON!" He cried, slamming his foot on the pedal.

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><p><strong>YUMICHIKA<strong>

Why in the hell had he agreed to this? It was stupid, and would probably end up destroying his gigai. Which meant going and screwing up his beautiful face! He sighed as the silver VW facing him shot forward at high speeds. He floored his own yellow VW, shooting ahead to meet the other VW head-on.

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><p><strong>IKKAKU AND YUMICHIKA<strong>

These two were very bad sore losers.

Which is why the VW rental company is now out two of their Bugs.

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><p><strong>GAARA<strong>

"Well, this should finish it." Gaara sighed, climbing out from underneath the metal wagon. He turned the key in the ignition, having read a guide on how to work this horseless wagon. The car jerked to life, smoke choking out of the exhaust. Gaara climbed inside, the door for the old rusty DeLorean squeaking as it closed. He gripped the steering wheel, and took off at 86 miles per hour. He looked at the speedometer, watching as the arrow slowly climber higher and higher.

86…

87…

88…

_BOOM! _

Gaara coughed as the DeLorean suddenly broke down in a flash of light, leaving him to roll to a stop over multiple feet. He looked around, frowning as he looked at the clock on the electronic sign of Walmart. 2:30 a.m. of the very same day. He looked down at his watch, confused at the time. 4:45 p.m. "SHIT!" Gaara cried.

Once Gaara hits 88, he goes back in time.

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><p><strong>RANGIKU<strong>

Rangiku scowled, glaring in her rearview mirror at the car that was tailgating her. At 120 miles per hour. WHAT THE HELL? The walkie-talkie in one of the strawberry-blonde's hands buzzed to life, echoing Yoruichi's cat-voice.

"_STOP GOING SO SLOW!"_

"Then stop riding my back bumper!" Rangiku yelled back, both through her walkie-talkie and the open sunroof. A third car shot past her ice cream truck that was beginning to rattle and burp fumes.

"_You both are too slow." _Came the monotone voice of Soi Fon through the walkie-talkie.

"Awe hell no!" Rangiku and Yoruichi cried through the black boxes in unison. "No way is that whiny butterfly bitch beating me in this race!" Rangiku said to herself, slamming her foot and the gas pedal right through the floor.

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><p><strong>ISSHIN<strong>

"…this wasn't a good idea." Urahara chuckled, watching as Rangiku, Yoruichi, and Soi Fon raced at speeds that cars should _not _go at, Yumichika and Ikkaku played chicken with rental cars, Hanataro get chased by a seemingly-possessed car, and Gaara flash in and out of their time with his car as he repeatedly tried to hop dimensions.

"That red-haired kid is gonna break time itself." Isshin agreed. "Who is he anyway?"

"Just a friend of a friend." Urahara replied. Isshin glared, making the blonde man grin goofily. "Sorry, I'm not allowed to tell you. Only my friend can explain all this, and that'll have to wait for another time. My friend was kinda…taken hostage by Aizen." Isshin snorted.

"Smooth."

"Not my fault."

"Totally your fault."

"…maybe a little."

"No, a lot."

"No."

"Yes."

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><p><strong>GAARA<strong>

The red-haired shinobi looked around at everything around him. Hardly any land, multiple volcanoes, a forming atmosphere, and a fish flopping up onto the plant-less land, legs slowly growing out as the fish started to morph into a lizard-type creature. He punched the steering wheel, releasing a loud honk. "DAMMIT!" He yelled. The fish-lizard gave a startled squeak, and died. Congratulations, Gaara, you just killed the beginning of life! He pressed his foot down on the gas pedal…and received a sputtering clunk. He looked to the gas meter.

E.

His eye twitched.

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><p><strong>ISSHIN<strong>

The black-haired man sipped his coke. "That red-head's been gone for awhile…" He observed blankly.

"He only had half a tank of gas. He probably ran out." Urahara said with a thoughtful nod.

"In the past?"

"Indeed." In a flash, Gaara's car reappeared, a dust and oil-covered Gaara storming out. He threw down the shovel he had made from rock and sand, glaring at the object that he had dug straight down for oil for in the past. He pointed a finger at the two men who looked ready to burst out laughing.

"Not. One. Word." He growled, and stomped off. There was a reason Gaara lived in the Elemental Islands, and had nothing to do with technology. But on the bright side, he discovered oil. Too bad he killed the only thing that would have seen him discover it.

"How far back did you think he went?" Isshin asked.

"Who knows…"

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><p><strong>NARUTO<strong>

Naruto just stared at the pictures that a lower-ranking Arrancar had taken in the world of the living. He stared at the still pictures that depicted Soul Reapers of all kinds learning how to control metal beasts, most of them crashing and burning or killing something in the process. He threw the pictures to Riko, Senza, and Toba, the three rifling through the pictures. They looked to Naruto with blank faces.

"That's some scary shit." Senza said while Toba shuttered. Naruto nodded.

"Agreed."

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><p>…<strong>I'm tired. And I don't really like this thing. But hey, a drabble is a drabble, and maybe the plot bunnies have left Vulpes Alveus so I can write some more! Because frankly, I've hit another wall there while trying to write the 'kidnapped' thing. But I'll get there, 'cause I already know how Vulpes Alveus is gonna end, and I need to REACH IT. :3 Adios, check out Vulpes Alveus, and stay tuned for the next drabble. :3 Yes, another kitty face. <strong>

**Something the cast of Vulpes Alveus should ALWAYS remember: "If something gets in your way...TURN." If anybody caught that reference, the one about the going back in time at 88 mph, and the "I want my TWO DOLLARS!" I shall love you forever.**

**~Kitsune-242**


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